by I’Kisha Lang- Community Writer
Defeated and unuseful.
I felt that with every assumption that I was miscarrying. “Where did I go wrong? Was I too heavy? Was my diet off? Do I have PCOS? My body is incapable of creating, maintaining, and caring out the very thing it was created to do. To give and create life. So many people disown, abandon and abort their child. How come when I try to do things the right way, it fails.”
I wrestled in my mind.
The comfort of food, of a small shopping spree, and even hugs and kisses couldn’t take these thoughts away. Why was I not able to carry my baby full term? I’ve come to the conclusion that it just wasn’t time for me. I have no other logical reason.
Miscarriages apparently are very common in the first round of pregnancy. It’s just so heartbreaking.
As I arrived at school on Friday morning I felt an urgency to use the restroom. As I stoop to pee blood comes running out. I looked down and realized I had a clump of blood in my underwear. My heart dropped and tears came to my eyes. I knew it was happening then. Quickly I pulled myself together and left the stall. I finished up and texted my husband, “ come get me, I’m bleeding, I need to go to the ER.”
As he’s on his way, I’m ashamed that I now have to go to the office to tell what’s happening. (Let me remind you that a few days before I was excited and told my classmates that I was pregnant. ) Tears forced their way out. I barely could get words out. So I told the story and of course, they had empathy. Fast forward, I lay in the ER all hooked up while waiting on the blood test results. I wanted to believe that it wasn’t happening but reality would not let me live a little. A lady came in and took an internal ultrasound, so painful and uncomfortable.
Then, the doctor finally comes back 2 hrs later and tells me that it’s an early miscarriage and the things to do as I go home today. My husband just looked at me. I wished that he hadn’t. I got up to get dressed trying to hide my face. He’s asking me thousands of questions. It’s the worst time to ask. From then till we got home, I stayed quiet. A crawled up into the sheets waiting for him to leave the room so that I could do what I wanted to all along, cry. But instead, he held me.
Soon enough I broke away from his comfort and went to the bathroom. There I finally could cry. He walked into the bathroom as I just stared at my panties crying. The blood just kept coming, I couldn’t stop it no matter how much tissue I used. He wrapped his arms around me until I was done sobbing.
I just couldn’t understand why I couldn’t carry my child. Was I too young? Was I just unable to carry? And yeah, I even question God, “ Why would you allow me to carry for a moment and then take away what I loved?” I honestly wanted my baby and we had been trying for a few months to conceive. I had endured many, many traumas and heartbreaks but this one was different.
Anyone who is a mother knows that it’s like a new portal to life has opened when you can feel something physically growing on the inside of you.
All of the stomach pains and food cravings, all of the weight gain would’ve been worth it, all for you. My little one.
Beyond this early 2021 experience, I actually learned.
I learned that tough times are not just about what you go through but who stays with you and what you learn from those experiences. They help keep you mentally when you can’t keep yourself.